How intense are your feelings on a scale from 1-10?

Photo by Alexandru Acea on Unsplash

Mother’s and Father’s Day can be weird. It is just full of emotion, and for many people, it is slightly more complicated than just that beautiful Facebook post many of us are compelled to compose.

I was thinking a bit about that complication, and I was reminded of an idea that was taught to me by Dr. David Watson. Our wounding, primarily from our parents, is the epistemic consequence of sin.

Because of the nature of sin in the world, we are not going to get out of our childhood without being wounded. And therefore, as parents, we are 100% going to wound our kids as well. We are broken, and that brokenness will continue to exist in the world until Jesus comes back. Most parents try to operate the absolute best way they know how, yet kids still end up wounded. I have yet to meet a person who wasn’t wounded in their early childhood years. Again, it is the epistemic consequence of sin.

As a leader, identifying and knowing the edges of your wound is a journey that will greatly multiply your ministry. The more you become familiar with the parts of your inner being that feel raw and vulnerable the more likely you are to not make decisions out of them.

After all, I would argue that is the biggest danger with our wounds. Not that we have them, but sometimes we let them make decisions. When someone, or something, bumps up against the edges of my wound it is when I am most likely to cut Jesus out of the decision-making process. Instead of relying on the Lordship of Christ, I am leaning on the reaction of my feelings. And while it is important to feel your feelings, it is far more dangerous to let them drive your life or leadership.

In my own journey of understanding my wound, I began to search for a tool to slow down my thought process when someone bumps up against my brokenness. The best tool I found is this question:

How intense are your feelings on a scale from 1-10?

Anything above a 6 likely means that someone has bumped up against your wound, and your emotion is more about you than it is about them.

And here is the kicker - that is true if the emotion is positive or negative.

If my son scores on the field and my emotional intensity spikes above a 6, more about me than it is about him. If I’m cut off on the highway and I spike - more about me than it is about them.

The goal is not to make the wound go away, I don’t know that I’ve met anyone who has done that yet. The goal is to become so familiar with the wound that when something/someone bumps up against it (good or bad) I don’t make decisions out of those feelings.

I share all this to encourage you on these “complicated” holidays. Take advantage of your feelings, feel them, know them, and learn how to give them the right space in your life. It might just change your leadership!